I don’t have many fears, but when I saw the subject heading of an email titled Vampires, I quickly deleted it. Like spam mail you get from a Nigerian prince offering you two million pounds because you’re somehow related to him, I thought I was getting conned. That, and the fact that the address was firstname.lastname@example.org, I started having premonitions that the prince was indeed a long lost relative, and possibly a vampire on his way to chew on my neck because I didn’t send over my bank details. Thankfully, the email sent was from a band called FEARS., and they just wanted us to promote their new single, Vampires — what a relief.
FEARS. are from Sheffield, and yes, I said that in Mel B’s accent. I regret it too — sorry lads and ladies. The act comprises of Joe Pearce (vocals/guitar), Alex Pendleton (guitar), Craig Hadfield (bass) and Adam Pearce (drums), and if you’re like me, you’ll probably forget all those names and refer to the artists by what they play. A close friend of Adam: “Drummer, would you like a drink?”. Alex’s mum: “Guitar, would you like fish and chips for tea tonight?”.
Let’s just ignore the last paragraph and get to the facts, FEARS. are fucking good. If you say they aren’t, you’re a liar, and do you know what happens to disobedient boys and girls? They get put on the naughty step. You don’t want that, do you? Good! FEARS. will make you want to bop your head and get psyched to drink twenty double vodka and cokes and throw up on your parents’ bed. Guitar will have to clean it up too. Isn’t that right, Brenda? (Is that her name? I hope so).
The best thing about Vampires is the lyrics. We all know a vampire that sucks the life out of you. In my case, it’s a work colleague. They asked such pointless questions and try and outdo you. If I’ve been to Tenerife on holiday, Barbara’s undoubtedly been to Elevenerife. If I’ve had a steak from M&S for tea, Barbara’s killed a cow with a toothbrush and let it cook under 50kg of Himalayan salt. Yes, we all know a vampire. Thankfully, FEARS. have made a song about it, and I bet you’ll agree with me in saying it’s highly accurate. If you don’t, you’re going on the naughty step with Alex aka guitar. He shouldn’t have drunk so much alcohol.
What do you think? It’s so good. I told you. Now go and share it with your friends and family. Barbara will love it, then try and create a better song. Hate her.